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anger management dammit!
Jul. 2nd, 2005 03:34 amyeah, i had to quit my martial arts, and i'm only a yellow belt *swears in 3 chinese dialects, english, malay, japanese and german while kicking at an imaginary sandbag*
i'm so pissed off, i mean fucking helL!!!! that's how i release my anger and most of my stress....all that physical exertion, the muscle pain, the knowledge that yes, my body still works, i'm still limber, my knees and ankles are still weak unfortunately and i have bad stamina but you still get to spar with other people, get punched in your bloody glasses(again) and get to throw people down is such a wonderful bliss.....ok, so the dojo i went to wasn't satisfying enough but i can come in and just use the punching bags........unfortunately, they're still charging me for 2 months.....stupid stupid stupid....i was hoping to use that money to buy some equipment......goddammit....
even if i had bought them, would i be able to bring them back to malaysia when i'm done with my studies?
i mean, my parents DO NOT approve of me wasting money n time like this.....stupid.....can fedex actually deliver this? i could probably get a cousin to help pick it up.....but goddammit, i want my own place!!
yeah yeah, i know....i'm an utter mess at looking after myself....my room's a clutter and i frequently get stomach problems and nausea because i don't eat often enough.....but goddammit!!!
i don't like to live with them!! it's so restrictive!! and yes, my curfew is still midnight with them...*rolls eyes*
the only reason i don't snarl at them and drop them like hot potatoes is the fact that i've been taught(not by them) that i do have some obligations towards them......yeah, they very much made a caged bird for most of my life and their always working, but the thing is they still fed me, clothed me, gave me money(i do restrict myself from overspending....which only happens once or twice a year...although i didn't have a lot of toys), sent me to tuition classes, attempted to give me 'the talk'(which i negated quickly at age 10 when i told them i already knew all about sex, much to their astonishment), my mother only slapped me once..................but emotionally? i'm still left quite needy in that area....and uncertain....of course, as a child this culminated in my father bursting out in anger and getting out the feather duster.....and i still despair doing homework....there's always that faint sense of dread.....
so yes, i still have obligations towards my parents, no matter how much i detest them, how much they irritate me, test my patience, or make remarks that hurt me(i don't know if they meant it really), i won't completely abandon them. my pride and morality won't let me. they still treated me fairly well but as any normal humans beings, they weren't perfect and it resulted in this jaded yet naive individual who has a body that is starting to break down...give it 5 more years people and we'll see how my cholesterol goes, my blood pressure and my digestive system......and it took me nearly a decade to figure out how i feel towards my parents...
i feel more freer in australia, although yes, there's the whole immigration thing and college and attendance or you'll be deported shit......but i can work with that.....for once, i can return at 2am and not get roasted....i get scolded for a lot of things....including spilling stuff....i don't really know why they're scolding me when the floor doesn't stain and i always clean up my own mess.....i get ragged on a lot.....it's a lot less as i've grown up but i can't forget it....damn my memory....i know my memory is getting worse but before the days when i forced my memory to go bad....i still remember....i felt so awful, i felt like crying so many times........
i'm starting to feel a bit depressed again...i'm just glad it's not an all out depression like i had when i was 13 to 18 onwards........i feel like broaching the topic on suicide to arashi-chan...if i can get a hold of him.....he's 16 and had met death nearly 10 times.....6 attempts and several accidents.....at least he's not going to do it again, cause i'm fond of him for some reason.....
i don't really quite know where i'm going with my life right now....i'd like to spend my days creating something by hand or fixing things....but of course, with the expectations on my shoulders, how can i even suggest that i want to be a mechanic to my parents? they accepted the whole police thing well at first.......if i had qualified(stupid 2 cm!!! and eyesight!!), my mother would have kicked up a bloody big fuss, quite possibly causing the whole house to go kablooey....again......i perfectly realize what it means to be a police officer(more like constable at first)....and yes, as i progress up, quite possibly i caqn or will get injured and be placed in dangerous situations.....i know that, and i've thought it through......
unfortunately my mother is of the opinion that i have the mentality of an 8 year old as she wished to immortalize that forever in her mind.....no matter what i tell her....she's getting senile anyways....
sincerely, i hope both my parents die soon even though they're still alright at the moment....i'm not a cruel psychopath, it's just that, i won't be able to handle the image of these two people who have always towered over me in my memories(in real life i'm only 1" and 3" shorter) and made me feel so small and useless and never bothered to encourage me to go to further heights and instead restrained me with an iron leash and collar, be drooling all over themselves, senile and with lousy bladder control and in a nursing home....i can't possibly take care of them...i'm not like and i'm not capable....and i can't even tell this to my friends back home because they think that i'm evil or shit.....'don't be like that!' or 'don't say things like that!'....gods....at least jennifer could understand, simply because her mother used to physically abuse her well into her teens while her father is her saviour.....she told me that he jumped in front of her as a toddler to take a powerful blow from her post natal depressed mother...i've met her father, he's a nice man....rather calm....
so here i am, emotionally scarred for life, already molested(fault on both parts).....all that's left is to beat me to shit in a bad relationship and break my already tenuous hold on my sanity.....wonderful....just wonderful.......why can't i just actually have a really restful sleep and never wake up from it? not many people will mourn for me....only a handful.....
i'm so pissed off, i mean fucking helL!!!! that's how i release my anger and most of my stress....all that physical exertion, the muscle pain, the knowledge that yes, my body still works, i'm still limber, my knees and ankles are still weak unfortunately and i have bad stamina but you still get to spar with other people, get punched in your bloody glasses(again) and get to throw people down is such a wonderful bliss.....ok, so the dojo i went to wasn't satisfying enough but i can come in and just use the punching bags........unfortunately, they're still charging me for 2 months.....stupid stupid stupid....i was hoping to use that money to buy some equipment......goddammit....
even if i had bought them, would i be able to bring them back to malaysia when i'm done with my studies?
i mean, my parents DO NOT approve of me wasting money n time like this.....stupid.....can fedex actually deliver this? i could probably get a cousin to help pick it up.....but goddammit, i want my own place!!
yeah yeah, i know....i'm an utter mess at looking after myself....my room's a clutter and i frequently get stomach problems and nausea because i don't eat often enough.....but goddammit!!!
i don't like to live with them!! it's so restrictive!! and yes, my curfew is still midnight with them...*rolls eyes*
the only reason i don't snarl at them and drop them like hot potatoes is the fact that i've been taught(not by them) that i do have some obligations towards them......yeah, they very much made a caged bird for most of my life and their always working, but the thing is they still fed me, clothed me, gave me money(i do restrict myself from overspending....which only happens once or twice a year...although i didn't have a lot of toys), sent me to tuition classes, attempted to give me 'the talk'(which i negated quickly at age 10 when i told them i already knew all about sex, much to their astonishment), my mother only slapped me once..................but emotionally? i'm still left quite needy in that area....and uncertain....of course, as a child this culminated in my father bursting out in anger and getting out the feather duster.....and i still despair doing homework....there's always that faint sense of dread.....
so yes, i still have obligations towards my parents, no matter how much i detest them, how much they irritate me, test my patience, or make remarks that hurt me(i don't know if they meant it really), i won't completely abandon them. my pride and morality won't let me. they still treated me fairly well but as any normal humans beings, they weren't perfect and it resulted in this jaded yet naive individual who has a body that is starting to break down...give it 5 more years people and we'll see how my cholesterol goes, my blood pressure and my digestive system......and it took me nearly a decade to figure out how i feel towards my parents...
i feel more freer in australia, although yes, there's the whole immigration thing and college and attendance or you'll be deported shit......but i can work with that.....for once, i can return at 2am and not get roasted....i get scolded for a lot of things....including spilling stuff....i don't really know why they're scolding me when the floor doesn't stain and i always clean up my own mess.....i get ragged on a lot.....it's a lot less as i've grown up but i can't forget it....damn my memory....i know my memory is getting worse but before the days when i forced my memory to go bad....i still remember....i felt so awful, i felt like crying so many times........
i'm starting to feel a bit depressed again...i'm just glad it's not an all out depression like i had when i was 13 to 18 onwards........i feel like broaching the topic on suicide to arashi-chan...if i can get a hold of him.....he's 16 and had met death nearly 10 times.....6 attempts and several accidents.....at least he's not going to do it again, cause i'm fond of him for some reason.....
i don't really quite know where i'm going with my life right now....i'd like to spend my days creating something by hand or fixing things....but of course, with the expectations on my shoulders, how can i even suggest that i want to be a mechanic to my parents? they accepted the whole police thing well at first.......if i had qualified(stupid 2 cm!!! and eyesight!!), my mother would have kicked up a bloody big fuss, quite possibly causing the whole house to go kablooey....again......i perfectly realize what it means to be a police officer(more like constable at first)....and yes, as i progress up, quite possibly i caqn or will get injured and be placed in dangerous situations.....i know that, and i've thought it through......
unfortunately my mother is of the opinion that i have the mentality of an 8 year old as she wished to immortalize that forever in her mind.....no matter what i tell her....she's getting senile anyways....
sincerely, i hope both my parents die soon even though they're still alright at the moment....i'm not a cruel psychopath, it's just that, i won't be able to handle the image of these two people who have always towered over me in my memories(in real life i'm only 1" and 3" shorter) and made me feel so small and useless and never bothered to encourage me to go to further heights and instead restrained me with an iron leash and collar, be drooling all over themselves, senile and with lousy bladder control and in a nursing home....i can't possibly take care of them...i'm not like and i'm not capable....and i can't even tell this to my friends back home because they think that i'm evil or shit.....'don't be like that!' or 'don't say things like that!'....gods....at least jennifer could understand, simply because her mother used to physically abuse her well into her teens while her father is her saviour.....she told me that he jumped in front of her as a toddler to take a powerful blow from her post natal depressed mother...i've met her father, he's a nice man....rather calm....
so here i am, emotionally scarred for life, already molested(fault on both parts).....all that's left is to beat me to shit in a bad relationship and break my already tenuous hold on my sanity.....wonderful....just wonderful.......why can't i just actually have a really restful sleep and never wake up from it? not many people will mourn for me....only a handful.....
