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13thfallenangelI really hate it when people go, 'oh, you're so lucky to be an only child! you're so lucky to be so smart!'
It's just naivete to the bloody fucking extreme....have they even thought through and try to imagine the pros and cons being on the other side of the so-called greener pasture?!
these are a few of my pet peeves.....they don't know, you're the only one around for your parents to pick on and to let their anger out when they argue, everything that you do wrong, under instant scrutiny, expected to act perfectly, needled on, the loneliness, being ignored in favour for material goods, being forced into a tight fitting mold, the constant feeling of my house being both my prison and shelter.....the expectations to use my brains, an instant genius, when I had no one to guide me.....I grew up not expecting help....I only ask for help out of politeness, I never expected to be given any....many things I taught myself, how to use chopsticks, how to speed read, how to tactfully and stealthily avoid my parents when they're squabbling again, how to keep secrets, how to read body language in order to compensate for my inability to speak and understand Chinese, how to perfect certain expressions in order to get myself out of trouble or just to annoy my parents as a small, but pathetic attempt at revenge. Childish, I know, but whoever said I was mature anyways?
Did you know that for some people, their photographic memory can fade as years go by? I should know, it's happening to me. Truth be told, my ability is probably functioning at 65% of its capacity. When I was a child, I remembered things in a room clearly. I could remember faces, words being said, gestures used. All at a blink of an eye.
My ability was never cultivated, however. My parents never knew I had this ability, and in order to let myself blur some bad memories, I allowed my ability to deteriorate to the point that my ability to speed read has reduced. They were never around to find out anyways. And they never will.
Unfortunately, this tactic hasn't worked so well. I still get haunted by bad memories and my insecurities on a weekly basis, although the memory is a bit more blurred every passing year, the emotional trauma still remains strong. The less I recall a bad memory, the more painful it is when I do. If I recall it often enough, I grow numb. At one point during my teen years, I felt numb. As in I can feel this frozen block where m soul is supposed to be within me. The realization of it gave only a small start in my soul before it felt like it drifted away. Not very well anchored.
Sometimes, I wish I could fade away. I will readily admit that I'm an attention seeker, but sometimes the effort is just far too much. Fade away from existing, drift away to nowhere and everywhere.
What should I do? I wish I could do all the things I wished to do, but growing up in a materialistic society that impresses upon the necessity(for them) of money and status, it's hard to break the brainwashing. I want to LIVE, but it doesn't look very possible for this flighty creature.
Let me die young, spare me all the pain. Please.
It's just naivete to the bloody fucking extreme....have they even thought through and try to imagine the pros and cons being on the other side of the so-called greener pasture?!
these are a few of my pet peeves.....they don't know, you're the only one around for your parents to pick on and to let their anger out when they argue, everything that you do wrong, under instant scrutiny, expected to act perfectly, needled on, the loneliness, being ignored in favour for material goods, being forced into a tight fitting mold, the constant feeling of my house being both my prison and shelter.....the expectations to use my brains, an instant genius, when I had no one to guide me.....I grew up not expecting help....I only ask for help out of politeness, I never expected to be given any....many things I taught myself, how to use chopsticks, how to speed read, how to tactfully and stealthily avoid my parents when they're squabbling again, how to keep secrets, how to read body language in order to compensate for my inability to speak and understand Chinese, how to perfect certain expressions in order to get myself out of trouble or just to annoy my parents as a small, but pathetic attempt at revenge. Childish, I know, but whoever said I was mature anyways?
Did you know that for some people, their photographic memory can fade as years go by? I should know, it's happening to me. Truth be told, my ability is probably functioning at 65% of its capacity. When I was a child, I remembered things in a room clearly. I could remember faces, words being said, gestures used. All at a blink of an eye.
My ability was never cultivated, however. My parents never knew I had this ability, and in order to let myself blur some bad memories, I allowed my ability to deteriorate to the point that my ability to speed read has reduced. They were never around to find out anyways. And they never will.
Unfortunately, this tactic hasn't worked so well. I still get haunted by bad memories and my insecurities on a weekly basis, although the memory is a bit more blurred every passing year, the emotional trauma still remains strong. The less I recall a bad memory, the more painful it is when I do. If I recall it often enough, I grow numb. At one point during my teen years, I felt numb. As in I can feel this frozen block where m soul is supposed to be within me. The realization of it gave only a small start in my soul before it felt like it drifted away. Not very well anchored.
Sometimes, I wish I could fade away. I will readily admit that I'm an attention seeker, but sometimes the effort is just far too much. Fade away from existing, drift away to nowhere and everywhere.
What should I do? I wish I could do all the things I wished to do, but growing up in a materialistic society that impresses upon the necessity(for them) of money and status, it's hard to break the brainwashing. I want to LIVE, but it doesn't look very possible for this flighty creature.
Let me die young, spare me all the pain. Please.
