13thfallenangel | The whinging and blathering hour.

Okay, rant time is here, and it's been quite a while hasn't it?

I've been in a terribly depressed sort of mood for the past month or so, floating off in everyday life in an apathetic or frustrated point of view. Lashed out at some people and pulled away from many. (sorry squirryl, you pretty much came in at the wrong time and....well....there was a possibility a blow up could happen and I didn't want it to and I wish to apologise. I usually try to stay out of things)

I suppose I don't deal with Life very well (I don't think many people do, really) and it takes me a while to figure things out. Hindsight 20/20 and all that. I admit that I can be very pathetic and entirely too passive at times, which unfortunately I have been for some time now. Trouble is, I don't quite know how to be less passive and more active. Plenty of opportunities have gone by despite the fact that I have put up a fight at first but in the end.....I get broken.....or too many factors come against my desires.......it still hurts so bad until this day. One day, I'll be able to take back up some of those I wish to do but right now....I'm still finding myself.

I'm paraphasing here, but apparently, I'm throwing away my potential. I'm not quite sure about that. Do I even have potential anymore? So what if I'm young? (I hate it when people keep telling me that like I'm one of the sheep I have to call my peers). All my life, my parents have always supported the idea of 'the good grades'. Get good grades and you can go anywhere or be anything. What a crock of shit.

"No Cheryl, you can't join the state archery team, you have PMR in 3 months' time. Studies must always come first. You can do your bow and arrow thing next year." (er, no. I've explained this many times, archery tryouts are this year so we can build up strength for next year's SUKMA)

"You still want to go to archery practice ah? I never see you shooting any arrows." (unfortunately, I was using borrowed equipment and so were 3 other girls so everytime they showed up to watch me practice, my turn was already over. They refused to buy me any equipment either. All together, it would have only costed them RM2000 for a basic set and a top of the line carbon fibre arrows)

"You're trying out for the badminton team? Can meh?"

"You're going to play in a handball competition? When did you join? Did I drop you off at a try out?"

"Another try out ah? Are you studying or not?"

"Make sure you study ah. None of this storybook nonsense ah!"

"Hah? You know how to cook meh?"

"When did you learn how to cook?"

Basically what I'm saying is, I have no base support from the 2 people I looked up to for most of my life. My parents. I daresay I don't love them but I am somewhat fond of them although I prefer my dad over my mother any other day. All I ever wanted was their approval for the things I wanted to do and enjoyed doing but they were so focused on my studies that any other outbranching was pretty much disregarded as a folly of sorts. It took several long years, but they broke me. I sincerely don't quite know what I want to do anymore. Oh, a couple of things will come off the top of my head when you ask me but.......

Despite everything, I still want their approval you know. It's so sad, really, to want approval and acceptance from people who wouldn't really understand (mother especially but I think dad would be more understanding although he'l probably try to manipulate things a bit) but I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people out there like me. Oh, I've told myself that I should do whatever I will and want, and my parents can go fuck off....but truth is, these are the first ever people that I've ever wanted to please in my whole life and for more than a decade of my life, their approval was everything. It's such a powerful truth and revelation that I feel like breaking down and sobbing until I want to puke. It's the truth and oh god, it's awful. Oh bloody Hell, I think I'm going to do it anyways.

Parents. They make you and they break you.

There is a Malay proverb. Macam tukul dengan pahat. Like a chisel and the hammer. Basically it means that a person needs to be told what to do because they are just clueless. Bloody Hell, but I am that chisel. I need some bloody sign to come drop onto my head right now because I swear, I am absolutely bloody well clueless about what to do with myself. I spent too many years with my parents pressuring me to do this and not to do that, I don't know what to do anymore. Yes, I'm that happily broken. And now they tell me to go to university and do what you want and make sure you get a profitable job out of it as well so you don't end up like one of your more useless cousins.

I mean, like I said earlier, I could probably name a couple of things off the top of my head but.....certain forces are against me. Like my eyesight for instance. Oh, I've good aim as Fei can attest to since he keeps insisting I stay away from any projectile weaponry but I cannot see further than 10 inches (yes, I measured) without my glasses. Law enforcement, my ass.

And cooking! Hah! The first time I cooked something for my parents to try (it was a ham omelette) they took a long wary look at the plate before refusing it. I had to finish the plate myself even though I wasn't hungry at all. Their rejection made it even harder to swallow. And it was perfectly good omelette too! The sad thing is, I've always liked cooking but mother dear still thinks I cannot cook. I've cooked simple dishes for them to try, insisted they try it so they can see for themselves that I'm not completely incompetent in the kitchen. They only tried it once, nodded, said it was good and wandered off to their respective hobbies. And left me standing there holding a plate of food. I love cooking, I enjoy experimenting but mother prefers if I stay out of the kitchen. And complains fervently when I don't help her in the kitchen.

Now that I've decided to pull out of uni because I'm failing abysmally and there's the money issue and the fact that I'm in the completely wrong course......I don't quite know how to phrase this anymore diplomatically but dammit, this is my LJ and I refuse to get flamed on it! I've been abandoned by certain parties....I won't say much about it, really, but it hurt to see it happen. Right now, I don't care too much about it because if this is what happens, then fine, go ahead. There's plenty of other factors going on as well and if you're not going to find out the whole story, then go ahead. I still consider them friends, but what they do is their own decision. I cannot make that decision for them. I don't have much of an idea what to do exactly with this situation...Hell, I don't even know how to approach them anymore.

Bah, at least I still have Reyhan and she can understand my situation seeing as her family is similar enough to mine although from a different culture.

I'll admit to this. I'm a professional brooder. I can very much rival Angel or Sasuke in terms of brood brood brood emo brood emo dark dark brood kinda thing going on.

But at the moment, I really have no idea what to do. About anything. Hell, I'd prefer it if my parents will just kick me out of the house and hold all my stuff in storage until I can find a place of my own.

I envy people with drive and passion and ambition. Lucky bastards. I have to keep finding my goal then.