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Jun. 30th, 2005 12:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
13thfallenangeli feel lonely and tired.....not physically but mentally and spritually....
i've just read this harry potter(i gotta stop, i know) fanfic and it involved a 'lifestyle' relationship between the two main characters.....
and i've just realized that i can't possibly have a proper relationship.....with anyone really.....i've opened up a lot with reyhan but there are still some boundaries......and romantic or even sex?! i doubt it. no, i can't have one because of my control and restraint....
these two things are the most valuable things to me, painfully forged over years of hardship and emotional pain....i wouldn't really use the term 'suffering' as it sounds too selfish....but there was pain...that's for sure....and it took a lot of control for me to learn my way through life, to give up my friends when i am such a possessive creature......it took a lot of control and restraint and some very hard knocks to learn when to push and not to push and how hard to push people's buttons. i don't really have anyone to talk to anymore since dayang's number has changed(again)......
i don't think i'll be able to have a proper best friend again...not since i was nine. even then, we weren't really best friends. sure, i mean, ng n i did everything together(except toilet business) but i didn't really know her...at all
most people would find me stand-offish. this is due to the fact that i don't quite know how to act around people, and now that i'm australia, it's a bit more awkward. i mean, i did make friends back home but it was forged through the classroom and recess time cliques......here, they're so touchy feely!! i mean, i remember juliet liked to hug people n since i sat next to her in class....well.....stiff as a board, she got fed up one day and slapped me on the back n told me to relax....i did, but still somewhat tense.....i'm used to females hugging me(all girls school) but guys? odd. well, i don't mind arashi-chan, he's cool. but i let people hug first then i'll hug back.
but i digress, i find it hard to socialize....i feel awkward...and i'm finding it harder to read body language.....and i think i made it kinda obvious to owen that i'm avoiding him.....faults on both parts really.....
i still wonder if my current situation is worth it.....i still think back to the 'suicide that didnt get very far' incident and i wonder.....what would have happened if i HAD done it.....i don't really regret what had happened...but i still wonder....i enjoy playing the 'what if' game, i can think up of sooo many possibilities....as you can tell, i am a person who is constantly bored to be able to do this kind of thing...
i wonder if i should broach the suicide thing with arashi-chan....he went a lot further than i did but i havent quite gotten the chance to hang out with him yet.....
i find the 'lifestyle' thing very interesting.....u have to be pretty strong to be able to give up control like that or to even control....i mean, there's probably some good Doms n some bad Doms.....the ones that uses subs like dolls...i mean, some subs actually like it that way but still, some sliver of humanity would be good! the luckier subs get the good Doms......I don't think i'll ever get into a relationship(n i'm speaking in more romantic? terms here) because i can't give up my control
not fully, not ever......n my trust....yeah, i can be gullible and i can be naive....however, certain issues, i cant ever....i've been scarred and shaped too wrongly, differently, badly to ever do so......
i suppose this means that my virginity stays, unless something bad happens to me *knocks on every piece of wood she can find* like getting sexually assaulted.....i'll probably commit suicide for real then....with sleeping pills and not a disgusting, gluey orange art knife.
i've just read this harry potter(i gotta stop, i know) fanfic and it involved a 'lifestyle' relationship between the two main characters.....
and i've just realized that i can't possibly have a proper relationship.....with anyone really.....i've opened up a lot with reyhan but there are still some boundaries......and romantic or even sex?! i doubt it. no, i can't have one because of my control and restraint....
these two things are the most valuable things to me, painfully forged over years of hardship and emotional pain....i wouldn't really use the term 'suffering' as it sounds too selfish....but there was pain...that's for sure....and it took a lot of control for me to learn my way through life, to give up my friends when i am such a possessive creature......it took a lot of control and restraint and some very hard knocks to learn when to push and not to push and how hard to push people's buttons. i don't really have anyone to talk to anymore since dayang's number has changed(again)......
i don't think i'll be able to have a proper best friend again...not since i was nine. even then, we weren't really best friends. sure, i mean, ng n i did everything together(except toilet business) but i didn't really know her...at all
most people would find me stand-offish. this is due to the fact that i don't quite know how to act around people, and now that i'm australia, it's a bit more awkward. i mean, i did make friends back home but it was forged through the classroom and recess time cliques......here, they're so touchy feely!! i mean, i remember juliet liked to hug people n since i sat next to her in class....well.....stiff as a board, she got fed up one day and slapped me on the back n told me to relax....i did, but still somewhat tense.....i'm used to females hugging me(all girls school) but guys? odd. well, i don't mind arashi-chan, he's cool. but i let people hug first then i'll hug back.
but i digress, i find it hard to socialize....i feel awkward...and i'm finding it harder to read body language.....and i think i made it kinda obvious to owen that i'm avoiding him.....faults on both parts really.....
i still wonder if my current situation is worth it.....i still think back to the 'suicide that didnt get very far' incident and i wonder.....what would have happened if i HAD done it.....i don't really regret what had happened...but i still wonder....i enjoy playing the 'what if' game, i can think up of sooo many possibilities....as you can tell, i am a person who is constantly bored to be able to do this kind of thing...
i wonder if i should broach the suicide thing with arashi-chan....he went a lot further than i did but i havent quite gotten the chance to hang out with him yet.....
i find the 'lifestyle' thing very interesting.....u have to be pretty strong to be able to give up control like that or to even control....i mean, there's probably some good Doms n some bad Doms.....the ones that uses subs like dolls...i mean, some subs actually like it that way but still, some sliver of humanity would be good! the luckier subs get the good Doms......I don't think i'll ever get into a relationship(n i'm speaking in more romantic? terms here) because i can't give up my control
not fully, not ever......n my trust....yeah, i can be gullible and i can be naive....however, certain issues, i cant ever....i've been scarred and shaped too wrongly, differently, badly to ever do so......
i suppose this means that my virginity stays, unless something bad happens to me *knocks on every piece of wood she can find* like getting sexually assaulted.....i'll probably commit suicide for real then....with sleeping pills and not a disgusting, gluey orange art knife.
