empathy sucks

urgh. this is stupid. i'm depressed and this stupid thing won't let me update.

i musta picked up someone's negative waves.


i just want to rip something apart.

god fucking ass damn it all.


stupid fucking depression that only comes once a month or whenever i'm too close to someone who is depressed. there is no way i'm going to the psyc doctor anyways. there's a HUGE stigma here and for my own sake, i won't . i hate pills anyways. stupid crappy things that my parental figures had to force down my throat while being restrained.


GAAAAHH!!!


i just want to talk to someone. i haven't chattered in WEEKS!!!! i want to chatter to someone who won't mind me chattering until i'm all dried up and there's nothing but quiet, peaceful, comfortable air between us.



fuck this.

little charlie

little charlie has finally appeared in my mind.

it's been a while since i last heard her, or saw her.

she's whispering to me echoes of memories past.

"will you play with me?"

"play with me?"

"won't anyone play with me?"

"is there anyone around here?"

"won't you play with me?"

"wanna play?"




i was never one for dolls, i wanted nothing more than to play with robots and cars and play fight. and that was in kindergarten! i was always seen with the boys. but they kept making me play april from teenage mutant ninja turtles.

when i entered an all girls primary school, i adapted. i joined the more neutral games since the rest of them weren't inclined to play fight or role play action heroes from TV. but after several years, they stopped playing. they grew up or grew bored. but i still wanted to play because that's when i have fun the most.


poor charlie is what's left my child self after i was forced to abandon all images and actions of childishness. charlie is short for charlotte. a bit of a tomboy who wants nothing more than a good game with others and someone to interact with.

my parents rarely played with me. they were too busy working or too tired.


last week at the dojo, 2 of the senseis 'interviewed' me when they found out i couldn't speak Chinese. they were amazed because usually for Chinese people, they usually learned Chinese first. my parents really didn't have much time for me and their teaching methods including dropping entire complicated sentences on me without bothering to point out the simpler stuff. the best i can speak is to inform someone in mandarin that i can't speak chinese. a few years ago, a classmate corrected me and told me it should be 'pu hui' not 'pu tse tau'. it means cannot understand. sheesh. my parents suck.