*is on the floor, still laughing*

To all the girls out there who knows the woes of getting rid of unwanted body hair (and the numerous methods and products foisted onto us that usually hinders), this is a little something to warm our hearts, and maybe our knickers when we end up pissing in it from laughing too damn hard...



MY NIGHT

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...COLD WAX

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Fix dinner, clean up
dinner, chatted with the hubby, played with the kids. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should
take some time for myself hubby's home he can tend to the kids and I can get the wax out of the medicine cabinet and pamper myself.
I've been waiting to try this new WAX method..........Supposed to give you
a baby smooth appearance........ So I headed to the site of my
demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get
warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I am mechanically
inclined enough that I can figure it out.

YA THINK ???

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get the bright idea use
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how
this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! I
AM WOMAN - I CAN DO THIS................

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids and hubby, I sneak back into the bathroom, for
the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet, hold my boobs back so I
can see down there, with my free arm. Using my other free hand I used the
same procedure by applying the strip across the right side of bikini line,
covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my
butt cheek. Me being short - it wasn't a long strip - thank-god!!!!!!

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! What the hell have
I done - I think I just ripped everything out down there - I bet I even have
a toe-nail or two........

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. S!&*T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much
pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down - still holding boobs so I can see,
foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...The hair that should be
on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still
perched on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE????

YOU GOT IT -- Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop...............Hot
water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax So now I am
stuck to the bottom of the tub!! Thank goodness I took the cordless phone
with me in the bathroom!!!!! I call my best friend/sister-in-law knowing
she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Now this is good - It's YEAH - it's a very good conversation starter "So how ya doing?
WELL funny reason I'm callin ya, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks, hole or what?" She's laughing out
loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

THEN -- I should be the joke of someone else's night while we go through
various solutions. I DON'T THINK SO..............

I am thinking I am going to have to resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving
the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My sister-in-law is still talking with me and my
hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. NOW I may be onto something - maybe -
just maybe this will work...............What do I really have to lose at
this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids, alerted my hubby that something was awry, scared the dickens out of my sister-in-law, but at this point I really
didn't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty
congratulation from my sis and she hangs up. I hear my hubby outside the
bathroom door - Honey everything okay in there? OH Yeah -- fine - fine - I'm
fine - I'll be out in a few minutes. I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....................THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE...........ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I shaved
it off ALL OF IT - IT HAS TO GO...............Heck, I'm numb at this point.

BY this time I'm feelin lucky - I think I'm going to try coloring my hair
next...... 









*is living up to her hyena nickname*

btw, my right ribs hurt like a bitch but damn, I can't stop laughing!!!