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13thfallenangelat this hour, i'm sincerely expecting that bitch of a maternal figure to come out n hiss at me to go to sleep.....easy for her to say.....u would have thought that she would realized by now that i have problems falling asleep ever since i was in kindergarten....it takes me forever to fall asleep unless i'm dead tired but even then there is some difficulty........i prefer naps....especially in the mornings....oh fine, i'm an owl....but i can't help it...my whirling brain keeps me awake most of the time.....from my sheer stupidity of the day.....to painful n humiliating memories.......i just lie in bed n cry for several hours n even then i would have trouble falling asleep no matter how tired i was....of course, onve u got me going...i'm worse than a log...mostly....n as per usual..i cant sleep.....n the stupid study lamp that smells funny that my maternal figure dumped into my room has burned itself out so i can't reread The Blue Nowhere...good book...i like it...so fed up......so tired.......so alone.....goddammit...n my head is starting to hurt from the lack of sleep....but i'm not sleepy...i turned down the form 6 offer.....i had a place at Maktab Sabah....hah!....i'm leaving for Australia on the 23rd of June with my parental figures in tow for a whole week.......stupid.....for once...i'd like to see them throw me to the dogs....Hell, I do that to myself! like wat i did for SPM....i only studied on the day of the subjects n i came out with 4As, 4Bs, 1C n aD!!!!......they think i'm horribly spoilt n irresponsible...i readily admit the fact that i'm annoying, loud n absent minded......but i am not the type to be so totally useless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the truth is....i like being away from my parental figures....it gives me some freedom....the ability to be fully independent....i can cope quite easily....i'm adaptable......i cant help it when they order me around n then insult me.....it's well....insulting!! it activates the rebellious streak in me.....i usually try to prove myself but not to them....because they r not worth my time.....i've spent more than a decade ignored, trophyed, n isolated.....y should i bother about ppl who brag or expose every single action or activity i've done just so to raise themselves higher than their peers or siblings?! like i've said before.....i may act childish but i swear that i'm the only adult in this household! so wat if i'm blur about opening a bank account? i'll just learn how....like i've always done.....adapt...get used to my surroundings...it's terrible the way they baby me....i've repeatedly told them i'm perfectly alright on my own....but of course....i'm ignored....n jennifer wonders why i keep saying that i wont make a good leader.....nobody listens....nobody....sometimes....i dream of a soulmate...who'll know wat i am...how to deal with me...how to set me straight...this dream is slowly diminishing....its hard to keep up illusions....i may stumble n i may trip...but i will get back up on my feet...no matter wat......i like naruto....he reminds me of...well...me! with the exception of a sealed fox demon in my bellybutton....i know how he feels.....thats y i realized that a good portion of behaviour is similar to that blond baka*affectionate tone*....he n i r the same....we just want some attention....even just a little would be fine for us i suppose...maybe even a little love....i doubt any of my friends will really miss me......they've all either gone off for matriculation or Form 6.....i'll be leaving soon.....everytime anyone of them gives their other friend a birthday party or a party to celebrate something....there'll be a painful twinge in my heart....i'm an excellent actress u see....so they only see my happy smile n eccentric ways n my lazy slouch...they dont see that i desire the same affection....i do my best to be nice....i try my best to be a good friend...i dont complain about this even though i complain n whine about alot of things like homework, teachers, life, parents...friendship however....i try not to...i do vent on rare occasions like this if its anything to ease the pain....i'd like a little appreciation....oh, i do get little gifts like keychains and sorts...but i cant help but want equal affection....maybe i'm not good enough...i tend to shut ppl out but i do try...i guess.....i'm just not the type of person that will be remembered easily...i guess that's y i want to be a world famous person........if only to be known...i have put up with a lot of shit to do so....frankly speaking...i think i barely survived those years...........wat am i now really? at this rate i'm going....i'll probably some BDSM slave in a few years time......i dont know who am i or wat am i....at this moment....i just know that i need to keep going or i'll just drown....drown n dragged under by my secret depression...like i said, i'm an excellent actress....acting on this stage called life.....
the truth is....i like being away from my parental figures....it gives me some freedom....the ability to be fully independent....i can cope quite easily....i'm adaptable......i cant help it when they order me around n then insult me.....it's well....insulting!! it activates the rebellious streak in me.....i usually try to prove myself but not to them....because they r not worth my time.....i've spent more than a decade ignored, trophyed, n isolated.....y should i bother about ppl who brag or expose every single action or activity i've done just so to raise themselves higher than their peers or siblings?! like i've said before.....i may act childish but i swear that i'm the only adult in this household! so wat if i'm blur about opening a bank account? i'll just learn how....like i've always done.....adapt...get used to my surroundings...it's terrible the way they baby me....i've repeatedly told them i'm perfectly alright on my own....but of course....i'm ignored....n jennifer wonders why i keep saying that i wont make a good leader.....nobody listens....nobody....sometimes....i dream of a soulmate...who'll know wat i am...how to deal with me...how to set me straight...this dream is slowly diminishing....its hard to keep up illusions....i may stumble n i may trip...but i will get back up on my feet...no matter wat......i like naruto....he reminds me of...well...me! with the exception of a sealed fox demon in my bellybutton....i know how he feels.....thats y i realized that a good portion of behaviour is similar to that blond baka*affectionate tone*....he n i r the same....we just want some attention....even just a little would be fine for us i suppose...maybe even a little love....i doubt any of my friends will really miss me......they've all either gone off for matriculation or Form 6.....i'll be leaving soon.....everytime anyone of them gives their other friend a birthday party or a party to celebrate something....there'll be a painful twinge in my heart....i'm an excellent actress u see....so they only see my happy smile n eccentric ways n my lazy slouch...they dont see that i desire the same affection....i do my best to be nice....i try my best to be a good friend...i dont complain about this even though i complain n whine about alot of things like homework, teachers, life, parents...friendship however....i try not to...i do vent on rare occasions like this if its anything to ease the pain....i'd like a little appreciation....oh, i do get little gifts like keychains and sorts...but i cant help but want equal affection....maybe i'm not good enough...i tend to shut ppl out but i do try...i guess.....i'm just not the type of person that will be remembered easily...i guess that's y i want to be a world famous person........if only to be known...i have put up with a lot of shit to do so....frankly speaking...i think i barely survived those years...........wat am i now really? at this rate i'm going....i'll probably some BDSM slave in a few years time......i dont know who am i or wat am i....at this moment....i just know that i need to keep going or i'll just drown....drown n dragged under by my secret depression...like i said, i'm an excellent actress....acting on this stage called life.....
