ringing silence
Sep. 3rd, 2005 01:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
13thfallenangeli need a smoke.
it's that time of the month again when i get bloody fucking depressed and i feel like slitting my wrists again.
unfortunately, i hate pain. well, cuts and lacerations are my bane. i enjoy bruises to some extent. mainly because bruises are all the physical pain that i've known the best other than sprains. sprains are just annoying since they make me limp and limit movement.
i need someone to smack me once in the back. i'm seeing things flit again. either that, or it's the sleep deprivation. and i havent been eating right again. i just couldn't really be bothered to. i mean, i've been brought up with barely any responsibilities or at least those that are not very important(although i did pretty much act as the telephone operator for the household), and the next i knew *shrugs*...it's too extreme. it's like getting hit straight on by a 16 wheeler doing 140 km/h. i feel like i'm still stuck on the front fender due to sheer inertia and centrifugal force.
sometimes, i think that i'm incapable of truly loving someone. i get bored easily, annoyed easily....sometimes, i think i'm flighty...oh Hell, i don't think i know how to love someone!!! i do have my friends, i stay loyal, i worry about them half the time...but...i feel stunted, limited....and sometimes i feel guilty because i think that i'm not doing enough or that i've betrayed them in one way or another whether they know it or not. i don't even love myself....i don't see how is it possible...and i know for sure that i don't love my parents....
the way i'm going to Hell is probably by my well meaning actions....the quote "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions" probably applies to me....i'm a screw up.....
am i 'useless' like dad calls me whenever he gets annoyed with me? i suppose that's why i'm such a pussy sometimes....i want to make people happy...it makes me happy when they're happy(except at my expense) because i know that i'm useful for something......
am i useless?
it's that time of the month again when i get bloody fucking depressed and i feel like slitting my wrists again.
unfortunately, i hate pain. well, cuts and lacerations are my bane. i enjoy bruises to some extent. mainly because bruises are all the physical pain that i've known the best other than sprains. sprains are just annoying since they make me limp and limit movement.
i need someone to smack me once in the back. i'm seeing things flit again. either that, or it's the sleep deprivation. and i havent been eating right again. i just couldn't really be bothered to. i mean, i've been brought up with barely any responsibilities or at least those that are not very important(although i did pretty much act as the telephone operator for the household), and the next i knew *shrugs*...it's too extreme. it's like getting hit straight on by a 16 wheeler doing 140 km/h. i feel like i'm still stuck on the front fender due to sheer inertia and centrifugal force.
sometimes, i think that i'm incapable of truly loving someone. i get bored easily, annoyed easily....sometimes, i think i'm flighty...oh Hell, i don't think i know how to love someone!!! i do have my friends, i stay loyal, i worry about them half the time...but...i feel stunted, limited....and sometimes i feel guilty because i think that i'm not doing enough or that i've betrayed them in one way or another whether they know it or not. i don't even love myself....i don't see how is it possible...and i know for sure that i don't love my parents....
the way i'm going to Hell is probably by my well meaning actions....the quote "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions" probably applies to me....i'm a screw up.....
am i 'useless' like dad calls me whenever he gets annoyed with me? i suppose that's why i'm such a pussy sometimes....i want to make people happy...it makes me happy when they're happy(except at my expense) because i know that i'm useful for something......
am i useless?
