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13thfallenangelsometimes when i read about abuse cases or stories, it makes me wonder if i have been abused before, past life or not. I don't know if my being female has increased my empathic capabilities, but in the background of mind would surge up a memory of a child's voice screaming for help, begging n pleading. there's also that faint feeling of phantom pain...very faint though....
whenever i hear about abuse, my heart just skips a few beats, rage n fury rushes through my veins n a scowl forms on my face. Number 1: I hate rape. Number 2: I hate abuse, sexual or physical. Number 3: I hate neglect.
I myself have suffered a mild form of neglect as a child. More of the emotional kind since I was fed, although my appetite grew to drastic proprotions when I was 9 and a half, until I contracted a throat infection when i was 10 and was unable to eat anything for 2 months. My parents screaming at me to eat at the dinner table in front of my cousin nightly, making me cry, didn't help. I had lost my appetite and my throat hurt a lot. It took me a long time to learn how to eat again without feeling the need to throw up and to accustomise my stomach. I was also forced to march at school everyday under the hot sun during that duration. Surprisingly, I lost little weight (IMHO anyways). Even up til today, I have some trouble eating or feeling overwhelmed by too much food, and I developed digestive problems when I had a massive stomachache when I was nearly 11. Too much air apparently and it refused to come out. Still does actually. Hurts like a bitch and caused me to throw up a few times already. Anorexia caused by illness n dear gods, I'm hoping not for bulimia. I don't really think of myself as fat. A little plump(my round face doesn't help the image) and the abdomen flab(ick) but thats about it. Oh, and the cellulite. That's about it.
I would think that my psychological problems involve me hearings things, and my emotional instability....joy....
Nowadays, I've been doing a lot of fantasizing, seeing as my semester and exams are over.(Dear gods, let me pass at the very least I should screw up). Some of course include sexual ones. And these are the ones that me make want to walk into another suspended noticeboard(st. francis secondary school, 2003, pure accident) on purpose this time. I'm fantasizing for a 'daddy'. Great. I just hope no one I know reads this. Bloody hell. excuse me while I crack my cranium open. Out of boredoom, I tried an astrology test....turns out I'll have a lousy marriage and terrible relationships....y am I not surprised? But apparently, I'm looking for a strong female figure....damn....made me realize that it is true, especially when I feel fed up and don't want any responsibility.....I'll willingly admit I'm a bit spoilt, seeing as my parents try not to let me handle most of my affairs(which means I am completely blur and have to learn by sheer trial and error and mostly without their knowledge)...come to think of it, I do a lot of things in secret from my parents....I ought to do spy stuff, lol
I dream.....of just laying in my (comfy) bed, my head on a cool pillow, warm strong hands running through my hair and stroking my body.(I'm such a cat =^_^=). I dream of what it's like to be really wanted, my company thoroughly enjoyed.(I'm a bit clingy sometimes, sad to say). I dream of what it feels like to be appreciated. I dream of a strong, powerful body, with smooth skin covering my own, protecting me and supporting as needed. I dream of a home of my own, my sanctuary, marked by me and me alone.
I wonder how will I survive if I am truly left off by myself...I have some troubles taking care of myself now, I'll probably stress myself to Death over a financial source....I'm already paying bills as is...but the money belongs to my parents......sad but true....this is one of the times that I wished that I was financially smarter or at least have a rich inheritance(or something substantial enough for me to work on).
I wonder how it would be like, to have space of my own......it's so hard for me to imagine really...but all I can do is hope for this wish to come true...
From,
The smallest bedroom aka Room 4,
Townhouse F,
11 Beveridge Street,
6102 Perth, WA,
Australia.
whenever i hear about abuse, my heart just skips a few beats, rage n fury rushes through my veins n a scowl forms on my face. Number 1: I hate rape. Number 2: I hate abuse, sexual or physical. Number 3: I hate neglect.
I myself have suffered a mild form of neglect as a child. More of the emotional kind since I was fed, although my appetite grew to drastic proprotions when I was 9 and a half, until I contracted a throat infection when i was 10 and was unable to eat anything for 2 months. My parents screaming at me to eat at the dinner table in front of my cousin nightly, making me cry, didn't help. I had lost my appetite and my throat hurt a lot. It took me a long time to learn how to eat again without feeling the need to throw up and to accustomise my stomach. I was also forced to march at school everyday under the hot sun during that duration. Surprisingly, I lost little weight (IMHO anyways). Even up til today, I have some trouble eating or feeling overwhelmed by too much food, and I developed digestive problems when I had a massive stomachache when I was nearly 11. Too much air apparently and it refused to come out. Still does actually. Hurts like a bitch and caused me to throw up a few times already. Anorexia caused by illness n dear gods, I'm hoping not for bulimia. I don't really think of myself as fat. A little plump(my round face doesn't help the image) and the abdomen flab(ick) but thats about it. Oh, and the cellulite. That's about it.
I would think that my psychological problems involve me hearings things, and my emotional instability....joy....
Nowadays, I've been doing a lot of fantasizing, seeing as my semester and exams are over.(Dear gods, let me pass at the very least I should screw up). Some of course include sexual ones. And these are the ones that me make want to walk into another suspended noticeboard(st. francis secondary school, 2003, pure accident) on purpose this time. I'm fantasizing for a 'daddy'. Great. I just hope no one I know reads this. Bloody hell. excuse me while I crack my cranium open. Out of boredoom, I tried an astrology test....turns out I'll have a lousy marriage and terrible relationships....y am I not surprised? But apparently, I'm looking for a strong female figure....damn....made me realize that it is true, especially when I feel fed up and don't want any responsibility.....I'll willingly admit I'm a bit spoilt, seeing as my parents try not to let me handle most of my affairs(which means I am completely blur and have to learn by sheer trial and error and mostly without their knowledge)...come to think of it, I do a lot of things in secret from my parents....I ought to do spy stuff, lol
I dream.....of just laying in my (comfy) bed, my head on a cool pillow, warm strong hands running through my hair and stroking my body.(I'm such a cat =^_^=). I dream of what it's like to be really wanted, my company thoroughly enjoyed.(I'm a bit clingy sometimes, sad to say). I dream of what it feels like to be appreciated. I dream of a strong, powerful body, with smooth skin covering my own, protecting me and supporting as needed. I dream of a home of my own, my sanctuary, marked by me and me alone.
I wonder how will I survive if I am truly left off by myself...I have some troubles taking care of myself now, I'll probably stress myself to Death over a financial source....I'm already paying bills as is...but the money belongs to my parents......sad but true....this is one of the times that I wished that I was financially smarter or at least have a rich inheritance(or something substantial enough for me to work on).
I wonder how it would be like, to have space of my own......it's so hard for me to imagine really...but all I can do is hope for this wish to come true...
From,
The smallest bedroom aka Room 4,
Townhouse F,
11 Beveridge Street,
6102 Perth, WA,
Australia.
